The Month That Made Me Hate Myself

tinydancer1 asked: When I see a guy on okc who has a red or yellow light i dont think "wow how desirable i must email him now"
Instead, i usually think, wow this guy must think quite highly of himself. It usually makes me hesitant to email him and I wont unless he really looks like a good match despite his apparent cockiness

I only wish all girls were like you, but results don’t lie are less misleading than applying logic to illogical reactions.

I’d like to believe that people are looking for partners who won’t chase any girl who smiles at them. Perhaps instead they want to find someone who is only interested in the right girl and has no interest in the rest.

It is always hard writing a negative review because it feels bad to urinate on someone else’s hard work and effort. Fortunately I’m a total bastard so I have no problems grinding down hopes and dreams for your entertainment.

I’d like to start by providing some context about me. Dating sites are notoriously hard to review because a 6’2” gym rat who works for a bank is going to have a totally different experience than a 4’11” androgynous warhammer geek. For example the gym rat will never use the dating site because he already has a surplus of women in his cave.

So, who am I? The month covered in the review was just one of many along the road from fat and isolated geek to the rugged, confident individual I am today. I used to hate the girls who ignored nice guys while going for confident, cocky assholes who would use and dump them. I went through the whole of high school without a single date.

These days I’m pretty middle of the road. I’m attractive enough that I have been able to get laid without the assistance of the Internet and I can look into a girl’s eyes when I approach her to say hi. I turn down prospective dates about half of the time and reject about 99% after a closer and more intimate examination. Oh, and when I turned 20 I lost thirty five percent of my body weight which has been a great help.

I can’t review the site from the perspective of you, but maybe this is close enough.

If you want to know my opinions of how the website technically works then you should read through the review blog. In general the site is pretty good although there is a strong incentive not to answer too many questions or reply to messages. But a dating site’s software is only half the battle. What are the girls of OKCupid like?

The answer to that question depends on where you are. In some places it’s stuffed full of interesting people. In others it’s a little more like leaping head first into the shallow end of the gene pool.

I had the good fortune to try OKC out in two of the greatest cities of the world and the experience was radically different in each. If you want to find a girl, and really want to use OKCupid, then I strongly suggest you move to New York. I recommend moving to New York anyway to anyone and everyone but if you spend a few weeks trying out OKCupid in a normal city then a deranged and ugly stalker will doubtless show up and be happy to help provide that final incentive to tip you over the edge.

A typical date in New York was with a curvy law student with a rapier wit. A typical date in the other global city was with an incorrectly curved half wit. Overall though I met some interesting people and even when I didn’t find them attractive I had great fun talking to a whole load of new people.

In particular the experience broadened my exposure to music; there’s now a whole lot more of it I hate and also one or two songs that give me erotic flashbacks. That can be really embarrassing in a crowded cafe when the wrong track starts playing. My tip is to only have sex with country music playing to be safe - at the very least you’ll be happy to leave and go somewhere else when they start playing it and your jeans get uncomfortably tight.

Of course if you do try out OKCupid then there are some simple strategies I can offer for making the most of it as a guy:

• Be from a far away country with a romantic reputation. Minimal effort to live up to that stereotype will endow you with all of it’s better qualities in her mind.
• Suggest meeting quickly. You want to find out how accurate that photograph was before you commit a lot of time. Make your decision before you start drinking and then stick to it.
• Don’t offer to pay, but do pay half. If she has already offered to sleep with you then it’s up to you if you are comfortable with prostitution and want to pick up the bill. If she hasn’t offered to sleep with you before you pay then that is just gambling with shitty odds and I prefer to stick to poker when I want to lose my money.

So why did I call this review ‘the month that made me hate myself’? It’s because I’m not happy with how things have turned out. Despite meeting interesting people and the sex and all the other things I have enjoyed I’m not happy at all.

I haven’t turned into a cocky asshole, or at least I try and keep it in check. I certainly only take advantage to the extent that other people know whats going on. But the things I hated the girls for? Never being happy with what was on offer, always looking for something better? Well that describes me today. I dumped a girl last week because although she was pretty, intelligent and eager to please she wasn’t ambitious enough for my tastes.

There’s a saying amongst those who misunderstand elementary orbital mechanics that goes “Shoot for the stars and if you miss at least you’ll hit the moon.”

These people are wrong. If you miss the stars it’s way more likely you’ll end up dying alone in the freezing cold of space while the moon orbits contentedly around someone else. Sure, the moon is a little chubby and set in her orbit, but she was there for you every night and now she is inducing tides in a new gravitational partner.

My biggest complaint about OKCupid is that it encourages you to shoot for the stars. You can be so specific in your searches that you don’t even see the moon right there in front of you. And it’s easy to get some shallow success so you might not even notice what you are missing.

My final conclusion, then, is that OKCupid is fine. The deficiencies haven’t got much to do with the site but rather a lot to do with people and you can’t really expect them to solve that with a bit of PHP. So, give it a go but be aware of what you are getting yourself into.

The author of this review is still single but this is mostly his own fault.

Anonymous asked: i wish you found me on okcupid, i think i love you a little.

Ah, wistful girl, fear not. I shall gladly find you if you give me a clue or two as to who you are.

Anywhere in the world is OK; location doesn’t matter if you do turn out to be the right girl for me. Unless it rains a lot where you live in which case you can forget it.

Just let me know who I should be finding because otherwise I’ll have to resort to messaging all 96,286 girls on OKCupid asking if they read monthofhate.

(I promise not to publish any personal details.)

My Self-Summary: Ambitious, fun guy looking for someone to explore with.
What I hope you read: Not a loser.
What I actually mean: Insecure guy who wants to find a girl he can love.

No messages from G for a couple of days.

I might be getting a little obsessed. I can’t imagine wanting to date someone else, but if she leaves me hanging now when things are new how bad will she be later?

Some of you will have noticed that the month is up; this is the last post and I’m already writing my review.

I’m actually glad to be deleting my account. I think a couple of months of hard work, cold showers and ignoring girls is just what I need.

The site offers you two options to delete your account; permanent or temporary. They try hard to persuade you to only suspend your account.

Obviously they don’t believe that relationships last. I think I agree with them, for example the woman who sent me a message asking:

“Are you wealthy?”

Is going to be back on the site just as soon as she murders her husband and collects the insurance money.

Go to the next entry.

The photo you picked: You with a guy.
What I saw: You with a guy.
What I did: Closed the page.

G canceled dinner again but met me for coffee instead. I’m trying to be very cool, confident and not needy but she is making it difficult.

If I suggests a date and you decline then at least you should offer an alternative.

It doesn’t matter if you offer to see me tomorrow or next week, or even end the relationship completely. If you don’t then I look really creepy asking several times if you are free to do something.

In addition to the questions used for matches OKCupid offers tests. These are slightly more in depth assessments of your personality. You might think of them as a whole new way to provide too much information to potential dates.

One typical test is the slut test. Taken by more than two million people it displays on their profile exactly how debauched they are.

Generally I prefer to find this out first hand, knowing in advance takes the fun out of it.

According to the results only 45% of those who took the slut test have had sex. Either a lot of people are lying or answering tests really does stop you from getting any.

Go to the next entry.

On a typical Friday night I am: Cooking for friends.
What I hope you read: Can cook, has friends.
What I’m actually doing: Cooking for myself and indulging in a little self pity.

G canceled our date today as she has work to do for a class. I guess I understand that.

I had to walk five miles to stop thinking about her so I could focus on my own work. Sarcastic magazine articles don’t write themselves and it is hard to reach a high peak of cynicism when you can’t stop smiling.

The site color scheme is blue. The kind of deep, obvious blue that can be easily spotted from across an open plan office.

You probably shouldn’t be using a dating site at work anyway but when you get an e-mail notification that there is a new message waiting it is tempting to log in.

It is only necessary to log in because OKCupid has configured the system to send just the first line of a message by e-mail. They include a link to the rest.

Until you click on the link the message you received could be It was nice to see you last night… I can’t wait to see you again or It was nice to see you last night… but if you come within 50 yards of my house I’ll call the cops.

Both possibilities eat at you until you give in and click the link. And then the huge glare of obvious blue lets the office secretaries know exactly what you are up to.

Go to the next entry.

What you wrote to me: Do you want to go to the science museum with me?
What I read: I am the perfect girl, and I have decided to make you happy.
Chance of a reply: Already sent, check your inbox.

My date with G went well. I took her out for dinner tonight and then walked her home. I have never been so glad to get a kiss goodnight. This girl is something special.

She wants to go museum hopping with me, which sounds great.

The site lets you list the kind of relationship you are looking for; long term, short term or casual sex.

This is a trap. Do not check the casual sex box.

Girls appreciate honesty, but only in small and carefully controlled doses.

Go to the next entry.

I spend a lot of time thinking about: Where to travel next.
What I hope you read: Adventurous guy, I’d like to go and do that with him.
Reality: This answer is for real. Don’t know how that slipped through.

I met G for coffee. Wow. She was a little shy and incredibly sweet but once we got talking a couple of hours just vanished.

I asked her if she was doing anything tomorrow, now I have to wait and see. I learned my lesson about looking too eager.

For some reason the ones I really like always keep me waiting. The ones I’m not sure about usually take me home after the first date.

The core feature of the site is the question system. Everyone answers questions about a huge range of things, then OKCupid can use that data to magically show you how compatible you are with any other user.

This feature is great as it lets you:

• Send messages to people you match fairly well with, knowing that they don’t hold any opinions that are too far out.

and

• Send messages to Christian All-American Republicans that you don’t match with, inviting them to a charity vegan BBQ in aid of socialist abortions for single mothers.

Go to the next entry.

I’m really good at: Exploring cities, cooking, cycling.
What I hoped you read: Will cook for me, probably gets enough exercise not to get fat.
What I wanted to write: Giving you tremendous pleasure in bed.

I got a reply today from girl G and arranged a date. She turned up on a search and matched my preferences perfectly, so I wrote something short and funny to her.

I had been pretty certain there was no hope so I’m totally amazed she replied.

You could fit every single, hot, medical student with a sense of humor on the planet into a very small room and now one is going on a date with me.

The site shows others if you reply frequently or infrequently to messages sent to you.

Due to a strange kink in human nature the more messages you ignore the more you get sent. I know some two year olds who behave like this; anything they can’t have is exactly what they want.

I signed up a couple of fake accounts and sent un-answered messages to make sure I remained listed as ‘replies infrequently’. Some may consider this cheating but it seems no less honest than a push up bra to me.

Go to the next entry.

What you think: We should go on a couple of expensive dates while I decide if we should have sex.
What I think: We should have sex so I can see if it’s worth taking you on some expensive dates.

No interesting messages from anyone. Apparently this is how the site works for most guys; they have to do the chasing. In the interests of posting a detailed review I’ll give that a go for a while, but if it doesn’t work out I’ll just post a photo of me with two puppies.

I have been sent a lot of hate mail for saying that teachers don’t get many dates because there are so many of them.

To check that I was right, and demonstrate the principle of supply and demand, I searched for single teachers. From the list of several thousand I messaged five and got a date with two.

The first date, with E, was pretty bad. She was late and boring. The second date was a total disaster.

F was nice enough and seemed pretty eager right from the start. We were bar hopping and at the second place she put her hand on my leg under the table. By the third she was kissing me with a great deal of enthusiasm.

And then her boyfriend showed up.

The site does let you exclude people in a relationship from your search. This feature is dangerously flawed and should come with more warnings about the perils of users who deliberately tick the wrong check box just to try and get you killed.

Go to the next entry.